Why I miss being married.

I've been thinking a lot about my ex marriage this past week. Probably because I have been emailing with the ex about a kid and the kid's needs and all that emailing has led me to thinking. (you have to understand I don't normally spend much time on this topic as it's not one that leads to thoughts of butterflies and rainbows) All of this thinking has turned distracting and is sometimes depressing and sometimes empowering. Here's the thing... if you were holding a gun to my head and made me choose "married or not married" I would choose "married". I know this is surprising to many of you and to be honest, it is a bit of a surprise to me too. I came out of my marriage shell shocked and a bit worse for wear, but I also know I have become a very strong and faith-filled women because of it. I have always said I would take the me I am today over the me I was back then any day. I can't pick and choose circumstances to wonder what I would be like if I was still married, but I am pretty confident I would be quite a different person. I appreciate where God has taken me in the last 10 years and what He has trusted me with, but at the end of the day, when the house is quiet, I miss having a husband.

You know what the biggest thing is? There is no one to talk to. My ex and I would go to bed early many nights to just lie in bed, in the dark and talk. We'd talk about our days, his students, his research, the kids, our future, our dreams, our families, philosophy, news, travel, education, and on and on. We could talk about anything. That's what I miss. I have great friends and I love them, but it's not the same as having someone to talk with on an ongoing basis. I process things by talking about them - over the course of days, or even months and that's tough with friends.

I have some huge things rolling around in my brain right now and those things are going to need decisions at some point, but it's hard for me to process because there is no sounding board. There's no one to tell me I'm crazy or brilliant or both. :) There is no one to hold me accountable for moving forward and making progress. Everything is on me, 100%, all of the time. Of course, as a Christian, I have God. Walking right along with me, ready and willing to carry the load, offer guidance, available to listen whenever I want to talk and won't be rolling His eyes if that happens to be at 230am. I don't dispute that God is with me always and can provide all those things I'm missing, but it is different. It is hard to find fulfillment and have complete reliance on a God that is not physically present. I wonder how married people do that. I wonder if anyone really does that. Are there people who genuinely rely on God for EVERY single one of their needs? Hmmmmm.....

I know if I was married, I wouldn't. It would be too easy to find many of the things I was missing in a husband. Hmmmmmm.... this is not where I thought this blog post was going.

I have been asked many times, by many people if I would ever get married again. Usually my answer is an unhesitant, clear, "No". I have nothing against marriage, but I've found my groove as a single parent and I can't imagine upsetting that apple cart. (I know, I know, God is bigger than my little apple cart and if He brought along the perfect person it would all work out...) Not only that, but I can't even begin to imagine trying to have sex in this house - I'm just sayin'.

I talk with so many friends who are struggling in their marriages and I know I have friends who are struggling and don't talk about it. Work it through people. I know it's hard in the middle of it and lots of times it doesn't seem worth the effort, but being single is hard. It wears you out. Sure, it's fun at times and there are definitely perks (lots of them actually), but at the end of the day you are alone. Not just the kind of alone you dream about, where no one bugs you, creates a mess for you to clean up, criticizes you, uses your stuff, etc. But the kind of alone that is actually lonely. All the friends in the world can't fill that. As a Christian it is a hard growth curve to truly have God fill that loneliness. I used to think that I was filled up with God, but I was wrong. If I was truly filled by God I wouldn't have a gaping hole longing to be filled by a person. If you are married, unentangle your partner from yourself and God and see who is filling what inside you. Are you relying on God or partner? I think it's taken me 10 years to figure that out (apparently I am an incredibly slow learner).

When I started typing this I thought I missed being married, but maybe I'm just missing God. Hmmmm...

Oh how I wish I was a person who didn't question things and just rolled ignorantly through life. Is it too late to change?