Why is it so freaking difficult??

If I hear one more person tell me that I need to take care of myself first, I think I might knock them in the nose or crush them with my ample sized thighs (maybe that would be more like smothering than crushing). I know what I need to do, I just, obviously don't know how to do it. Do you know it's been over a year since I started trying to lose weight and it was one year ago yesterday that I left my job. And do you know what's changed for me?? NOTHING!!! I am not particularly thinner, I do not have any foster kids living in my home, and I do not have a new company that is providing regular paycheques to my bank account. In fact, if you were to ask me today, I am just as stressed right now as I probably was a year ago on this day. The circumstances are different, but I'm still sitting here, overweight, tired, stressed and slightly defeated.

There were many highlights through the year and I learned many things and the family is a year farther ahead, but this is NOT where I thought I would be 366 days later.

I had so many good intentions and I did so many of the right things, but when everything around me falls apart, I go right back to my bad stress behaviours. How dumb do you have to be to make no progress in a whole year??

I guess, to put things in perspective, I have learned all the things NOT TO DO. For example...

when the stress hits big time - go to the gym and NOT McDonald's. Or when you are feeling any negative emotion at all - kick the crap out of a weight bag, do not crawl in to bed with a book and a snack. Oh ya, if you're feeling really happy and excited - celebrate with a walk or a POWER class, not lunch at White Spot. Yes, I am now a master at what not to do.

So, to recap... I am not any closer to not being fat and 40 and I am no closer to collecting on my kick ass pair of jeans. However, I am NOT ready to be defeated either. I think I need to accept that my world is always going to be filled with chaos, and I am just going to have to work that much harder at figuring things out.

I don't think I really understand the concept of taking care of myself first. I think I have deeply ingrained guilt issues and I need to find a way to overcome them. Other people just seem to make things happen for themselves. I can't help hearing in my head... "if you really wanted to get thinner and work out, you would find a way." Lets face it, I will always find time to go out with a friend or lie on my bed and read a book. If I had better control of my time, I could make time every day for the gym, or a class, or the pool. I suppose the real question is, what do I think is important and will I make the right choices each day. The jury seems to still be out...