It's been quite a rough patch at the Pearson house. Dylan hasn't been doing well at all and as a result there is very little sleep or peace happening. While all the things he's doing are within the realm of "normal" for him, something in it is different for me this time around. I think in the past I have always looked at the bipolar stuff as 'present day', and I have never really let myself look at it as 'the future', but for whatever reason, I am only seeing the future at the moment. I don't know how to snap out of it, and I desperately need to because I can't cope with the future. I think by looking at things as they are in each day, it helps to keep stress down, because it's just one day, right? But when you start to see the days as the future, it quickly becomes overwhelming. Of course, it's also Biblical to only take each day as it comes and not worry about what tomorrow will bring. So, why the shift all of a sudden? I wish I could answer that one. I need to make some kind of mental shift for us to make it through.
I have been reading so many stories of families struggling with children with mental illness issues and I have yet to read one that is genuinely encouraging and hopeful. Not a good place to start when you're trying to make a mental shift!
The thing is, I don't even know what would make it better. So many people ask how they can help, or what is available for help for Dylan, but the answers are just frustrating. When you have a kid that struggles intensely with depression, mood instability and obsessive/compulsive things, help is a tricky word. There are so many people who "help" us in practical ways (and at the moment, we wouldn't be making it without them), but the kind of help that would change his future, seems unfindable. Plans can never really be made without a number of back-up plan ideas, each moment is a toss up as to what is going to happen if Dylan is with you and even when you think something is working and going well.... give it 5 seconds!
I think I've lost my sense of humour about it all at the moment. I am tired of chasing down a 12 year old every time he runs away. I am tired of explaining the situation over and over again to school/family/friends. I am tired of all the bipolar crap actually. You know what? I am just plain tired. It has been a long 12 years and the realization that there are many more to come seems to be hitting me like a tonne of bricks.
It's a good thing for God and good friends. And naps. Maybe I just need a good long nap. And a donut. Ok, not a donut, a walk. On the up side, if I have to keep chasing a kid, I will getting skinnier faster. I should probably take a self defense class too.
That's enough whining about me. Please pray for him.
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