Crazy cakes.

I don't have panic attacks very often and I don't have the kind that you see in the movies - you know, where you can't breathe, your chest hurts, etc. I have the kind where you totally wig out and your brain goes all loopy and you make irrational, big decisions about huge, life altering things. Now, knowing this about myself, I have learned to NOT follow through on these decisions until well after the panic has subsided. Sometimes great ideas come from my panic attacks - they just need to be fine tuned - other times there is the possibility of total life ruin.
This morning I woke up completely nutso and to reassure all of you who think that I don't "lose it" or who think that I am always calm and together, I thought I would share with you my version of 'going all crazy cakes'.

I am starting my own business. It has been years in the making and after much prayer and counsel I truly believe the timing is right. Because this is a huge decision, I have been thinking of little else and my brain has been very full and that causes me to sleep lightly and think a lot. This morning when I woke up the whole weight of the situation crashed down around me as my feet hit the floor. When I got to the bathroom to pee, I actually forgot why I was there but became quite obsessed with getting a piece of lego unstuck from the sink drain (it's been in there for about 3 years). My brain was freaking out about what it meant to run a business and who was I to think I could ever possibly do it well? Do you know that if I don't work then there will be no money? What if no one hires me? What if no one likes me? The entire future of my family is in my hands and lies with my ability (or lack of) to bring in clients and earn a living. If I don't get enough work where will we live? There are no paycheques if I do things wrong. There are no benefits to fall back on. There is no partner to pick up slack and steer me back on course when I get sidetracked (and CLEARLY I get sidetracked). This is a business working with parents and families - has anyone checked on the status of my own family lately? We're not exactly all rainbows and puppy dogs. Who the heck am I to try and help anyone else? What if I get exposed as a big fraud - can I get sued for that? Is there insurance to even cover that? I wonder if anyone in the history of applying to be a foster parent has lost their own kids to the ministry after the social worker interviews them? That can't happen can it? Hahaha - I can picture the headlines now, "Single mother loses kids and parenting business - taking a closer look at who foster parents really are." Why won't this stupid piece of lego just come out already?? I suppose we could live in a shelter and I could set up shop on the street - kind of like Lucy in Peanuts. Maybe I should just apply at Costco. Or Starbucks. Or McDonalds. I've always wanted to drive a garbage truck. Or a bus. Or a semi. What am I going to do? I don't think I like the business name anymore. I wonder if we can unsell a domain name? Can you return business cards? How hard would it be to change the logo? Maybe instead of working with families I should make organic dog biscuits. There must be a market for that. I wish I had the internet at home so I could do some research. I wonder if you can buy different shaped dog bone cookie cutters. No... too generic. Ooooooo, it would be cool to personalize the cookies for each dog with something that they really like. Squirrels, birds, shoes, etc... that could be a unique selling feature. Ok, that's a dumb idea, I hate staying home and that would be a lot of baking and delivering. What if I inadvertently killed someone's dog with some freak allergy? I wonder if there's insurance for that? This *&$%^$ piece of lego WON'T COME OUT!!!!! Ok, Diane, you need to get a grip. You're swearing in your crazy talk. There has to be a logical way to get the lego out of the drain. Think. Think. Think. Wait, I really have to pee. How long have I been in here? I wonder what time it is - I should really check. I still have to wake up kids for church. WHAT???? It's 10:37!!! What time did I get out of bed? I can't have been in the bathroom for THAT long! Great, we're missing church because I'm nuts. I'M NUTS. I'm nuts, we're missing church, I still have to pee, the lego is stuck, I don't have a clue what I'm doing trying to run a business - I'm going back to bed. Uggghhhh, my bed's cold now. Oh well, it'll warm up again eventually. I better not dream any bad business dreams. I want to wake up happy and content and ready to take on the world.... Hmmmmm.... oh *&%##@ I still need to pee.

That is just a sampling of what goes on in my head when I start to panic. No, my kids are not crazy by accident. Moving on.... I'm behind on my questions....

11. What's the most important decision you need to make this year?

I don't know why I have such a tough time with these questions. Do any decisions I've already made this year count? The big decision about the business was made this month - that's this year, right? The way I see it, I have a chance to make a HUGE difference in my life, the boys' lives and hopefully, other families' lives. And the decision has been made... I'm going to GO FOR IT! With all I have, I will go for it.

12. What area of your life most needs simplifying, and what's one way you could simplify in that area?

I've touched on this one before... my home life needs a major overhaul. We MUST get rid of stuff and learn how to keep what we have in an orderly fashion. One way I can do this is by getting rid of one bag per day - thrift store, garbage, recycling, whatever - until we are done. That should be manageable for all of us to do. It might take until the end of the year to see a difference, but one bag a day is not that bad...