I have uncovered the secret.

I have finally figured it out. How to get and stay skinny that is. People who exercise like maniacs don't want to eat. It's actually hard to even think about food when you're dry heaving, your head is spinning and you can't sit down. The skinnies have never leaked this information to the fatties before. The skinnies are perching on their bikes, raising their arms up in the air and letting out these impassioned victory yells, while us fatties are hanging on to our bikes for dear life and praying to either die or morph in to a time traveller. The thing is, if you're a fatty and you really want to be a skinny, you have to REALLY, REALLY want it. If you only want it a little bit, you're sunk because you will NEVER return to an exercise class. EVER. IN YOUR WHOLE AND ENTIRE LIFE.

After it (the class) was over, I went to my mom's because her house is closer than mine and I desperately wanted to curl up and die somewhere, and when I walked in, her reaction was less than welcoming....

"WHAT did you do!?!"
"I went to a spinning and strength class. I need some water and to lie on the floor."
"WHY did you do that?! With all your problems, WHY would you do that? What is wrong with walking?"
"I walked before the class."
"WHAT??? DO NOT CALL ME when you're in the hospital. You can call Cheryl. Or your father."
"Mom, it's probably not as bad as it looks. Ok, maybe it is, but I will be ok in a few minutes and after a shower."
"I can't believe you. You're almost 40 years old!"
"Cheryl's older than me and she did it. And I didn't even do lots of the stuff they were doing - I modified so I didn't hurt my back or knee. Really, I should be fine eventually."

The conversation continued, but the point is, I don't think I looked very good when I walked through her door. I might have even looked worse than I felt. Yuck.
I read somewhere that Kate Moss was quoted as saying, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." and then I read that someone from the Biggest Loser had said, "nothing tastes as good as pounds coming off each week." - I am here to tell you that those quotes had to be taken as they came out of a gut wrenching, puke inducing, legs shaking kind of workout. At no other time would I believe those words to be true. Somewhere deep inside though I know I really, really want it. I want my new jeans. I want to have to take a second glance when I pass by a mirror and don't recognize myself. I want to never again have a reason to feel uncomfortable about how I look.

Now, don't go getting all body image concerned. I am fine. I know my REAL beauty is on the inside. Blah, blah, blah. I still want to be an older, equally as athletic, version of my very long ago, former self. I know I will get there. I'm already trying to decide what I'm going to wear to the next class....